Twitter is the New Bathroom Wall

When it comes to the Internet, everything is fair game. For the coward, it offers a place to voice a controversial and offensive opinion while hiding behind a cloak of anonymity. For the sexual deviate, it offers a platform to post pictures and videos of your ex (or yourself) in compromising positions (I still haven’t seen anyone match my flawless execution of The Houdini. I couldn’t do it without my buddy Mitch, though). For the everyday person, it offers places like Facebook and Twitter where you can let everyone know what you think of your panini, your luggage, or your cheating boyfriend. If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying, right?

In truth, social networking sites are the worst when it comes to the “anything goes” policy of the Internet. By now, you probably know what I think of sites like Facebook and Twitter. I’m truly embarrassed to admit that I have a Facebook profile, but I feel like I should come clean, since I don’t want to be accused of being a hypocrite.

Facebook is like porn: It’s never as satisfying as you think it will be, you’re ashamed to admit you look at it, and it makes you feel like you’re intruding on people’s private lives. Plus, like I’ve said before, “Facebook is a worthless time waster”—which is another way it’s like porn.

If Facebook is like porn, then what does that make Twitter? Basically, the most self-absorbent thing known to man. You have to have a pretty high opinion of yourself to think people care that the entire staff at Taco Bell knows your “usual.” But more than that, Twitter is the bathroom wall of the Internet.

Twitter is the bathroom wall of the Internet

While the writing is a little different, the gist remains the same. Rather than “Here I sit, broken hearted. Tried to crap, but only farted,” people write “I still can’t s***! It’s been three days!!! LOL!!!!! I think I need some Ex-lax!!!!!! Or maybe just some Taco Bell. LOL!!!!!!”

The thing that separates Twitter from the bathroom wall, though, is it’s never anonymous. There’s always a name attached to a comment. Whether it’s something harmless or something extremely regrettable like referencing your boss’s botched lypo, your name can never be removed from the quote.

If for no other reason, that’s why joining Twitter wouldn’t be a good idea for me. At least when I write things like this I’m able to go back and edit out the overly embarrassing parts. Trust me, there are some aspects of your life (and mine) that nobody needs or wants to know—and if you’re anything like me, that’s most aspects.

Like porn and Facebook, Twitter is a disgusting habit. True, it’s a hot commodity on the Internet, but really, all it’s done is made bathroom walls public.