Some Personal Info

I’ve had this blog off-and-on for nearly two years now, and something just dawned on me: I rarely talk about anything personal on this blog!

Sure, I talk about my opinions, but what do you really know about the creator of The Weekly Argus? Do you know his name? I assume you at least know I’m a him because of the context of some of my posts, but you may  not have even known my gender!

Do you know what state I live in? Is it Indiana? Is it Montana? Is it Pennsylvania? Is it Colorado? Do I live in Canada?

I’ve talked about my favorite latex clothing, but never about my favorite food, my favorite chair, or my favorite cinnamon coffee cake recipe!

Well, friends, that’s all going to change. Starting now, the posts get personal.

And what better way to start things off than talking about my roommate! My roommate’s name is Chet Sanderson! I met Chet last year at the grocery store when I was picking up some cheese-bearing crackers for a party I was hosting. I noticed Chet’s cart was filled to the brim with nothing but Vegemite and cloves, which I thought was very odd.

I asked Chet what was with all the Vegemite and cloves, and Chet simply said that he was a fan of Vegemite and cloves! What a reasonable explanation! We got to talking some more and we found out that we were both looking for roommates.

Chet didn’t seem like the type of person who would be a rapist or a murderer, so we exchanged phone numbers and we moved into an apartment a month or so later, and I have to say, I couldn’t have asked for a better roommate than Chet Sanderson.

Chet Sanderson is always cool with me having friends over, he rarely watches TV which means I’m able to watch what I want, and  he never interrupts when a girl stays the night. Sometimes he even has breakfast ready for us when we get up in the morning! If you say your roommate is better than Chet Sanderson, you are wrong.

The only complaint I have with Chet Sanderson is that he occasionally blasts his speed metal a little too loudly at unreasonable hours. The apartment will be dead silent at 1:00 a.m., but at 3:30 a.m., it will sound like you’re in the front row at a Slayer concert.

All in all, though, I wouldn’t swap roomies with anybody.

I told Chet Sanderson that I was writing about him in my blog, and he seemed very flattered. In fact, he offered to pose so I could take a couple pictures and post them. Chet Sanderson is such a nice guy, so disappointing him was the last thing on my mind. I grabbed my camera and snapped a couple gems.

This is my roommate Chet Sanderson! I have never felt so safe and so afraid at the same time:

A Rare Post About Politics! (And Kelly Clarkson)

Original American IdolKelly Clarkson made a surprise endorsement in the 2012 Republican presidential race last night, throwing her support behind Ron Paul.

This did not go over well with some fans.

“I love Ron Paul. I liked him a lot during the last republican nomination and no one gave him a chance,” she wrote of the candidate. “If he wins the nomination for the Republican party in 2012 he’s got my vote. Too bad he probably won’t.”

Many of Clarkson’s 925,000 followers took issue with her support for the Texan, citing the alleged racism and homophobia of Paul’s old newsletters.

“That’s because you willfully ignoring his voting record, his statements, interviews, newsletters, and policy positions,” one follower Tweeted at her.

“You are obviously living under a rock. I don’t even live in the United States and hear about his stupidity,” Tweeted another fan from abroad.

Clarkson tried to maintain calm, responding:  “I am about progress. Ron Paul is about letting people decide, not the government. I am for this.”

The Hollywood Gossip

The Weekly Argus Says:

I usually try to stay out of politics because that’s not what people come here for. People come here to laugh and read about me giving back rubs to homeless people, not to read about my political points of view.

In spite of this, I do enjoy debating politics with people I know, but that’s where it stops–with people I know. I refuse to debate politics online because nearly every political debate on the Internet inevitably ends up with one person doing one of three things: straying from politics and harassing someone’s personal life, threatening to kick the other person’s ass, or making broad, sweeping generalizations about what an entire party is about even though most people in that respective party don’t actually feel that way. For example, I doubt all liberals care about polar bears more than humans and I doubt that all conservatives hate gays and blacks.

The thing is, when I debate politics with people I know, it always ends well. Sure, things get heated sometimes, but when you end the night by giving deep tissue massages on each other’s thighs, it really brings you back together. No matter how mad you get at someone, it’s impossible to stay that way when he or she is is making your thighs feel like they died and went to Heaven.

To tell you the truth, I actually follow politics somewhat closely, and, shockingly, I’ve had many a friend/acquaintance say that I should consider getting into politics. I immediately give an emphatic “no,” and I do that for two reasons: One, I have too many skeletons in my closet. That is not a figure of speech, and I will not elaborate any further. I’ll just say that there are a lot fewer hobos downtown than there used to be. Two – and this is the real reason – I’d find it eternally depressing that no matter how good you are at what you do, half the country will still hate you. I understand there will always be people who don’t like you, but if you’re a great doctor, or a great accountant, or a great chef, half the people you meet will not have a predetermined opinion about how terrible of a person you are. However, if you’re a great politician – and for all intents and purposes, I’ll just assume that when he is elected, the President would have to be considered the best politician in America. That may not be true, but let’s go with it. With that in mind, you can be the absolute best at your profession, and roughly 45-55% of the country will still wish you retired and never came back. What other job carries that much depression and hopelessness? Being Rosie O’Donnell’s trainer is the only one that comes to mind.

With that said, it seems almost futile to talk about politics. People already have established opinions of the way things should be, and most people don’t like to change, so you’re not going to convince anybody of anything simply by writing your opinon.

And I don’t want to convince anybody of anything. I just want to make an observation. Take it for whatever it’s worth. You may hate it, you may love it.

Here it is:

I remember way back in 2008 when McCain and Obama were running against each other. I also seem to remember several celebrities like George Clooney and Sean Penn coming out and openly supporting Obama while people like Kelsey Grammar and Bruce Willis supported McCain. Good for them. Who cares?

I don’t think it’s a big secret that most people in Hollywood and most famous musicians/artists are liberals. Again, good for them. Who cares?

So why is is such a big deal that Kelly Clarkson likes Ron Paul? I mean, don’t get me wrong, as a Republican, I think Ron Paul is about the worst candidate possible, but am I going to criticize Kelly Clarkson for endorsing the person she legitimately believes is the best person for the job? Absolutely not. Truth be told – and this is a shocker – I don’t listen to Kelly Clarkson’s music for her political views. When I want an opinion on politics, Kelly Clarkson, Sean Penn, Ted Nugent, or insert celebrity’s name here are the last people I’d go to.

I don’t get why people can’t separate politics from performance. Or politics from person. I think George Clooney’s political views are as wrongheaded as they come, but I still think O’ Brother Where Art Thou? is one of the best movies I’ve seen. To go a step further, it seems like people think Kelly Clarkson is a bad person because she likes Ron Paul. How does that make her a bad person?  She didn’t drug and rape anyone in a hot tub and she didn’t build a theme park in her back yard so she could entice little boys to her house, so what’s with the attacks on her as a person?

There’s a lot more to life than politics, and as surprising as it is, there are actually some decent people who don’t share your political views. And if you don’t agree with me, you’re Joy Behar.

A Great Name and a Great Song

That’s right, folks! This post is a two-fer!

I was watching a basketball game on TV tonight, and I heard the announcer say someone’s name during a highlight, but I thought there was no way I was actually hearing what he said correctly.

Turns out I was.

There’s a player from St. John’s University named Sir’Dominic Pointer. If that’s not the greatest name since Charlemagne I don’t know what is.

On a side note, I think a person’s name has a lot to do with how he’ll end up. For instance, if you name your kid Jeeves or Jacque, there’s a good chance he’ll end up a butler or a waiter. Sir’Dominic’s parents did him a great favor by giving him a name that would ensure him a great deal of athletic ability.

On another side note, I think I may have found the most beautiful song ever written. I know you’ll agree once you listen to it.

It’s called I Don’t Want Love and it’s written by The Antlers. Have you heard of The Antlers? I had not until a few nights ago, but I see that I have been missing out on some fine music. Take a listen, listeners!

 

Taylor Lautner is Dead…

…SERIOUS ABOUT NOT BEING GAY

For the record, Taylor Lautner is not gay. It would be absolutely acceptable and far from a big deal if he were, but it simply isn’t the case.

However, for a few hours yesterday, many Internet users believed this Twilight Saga star had revealed an intimate detail on his life to People Magazine, due to the following fake cover, which leaked online:

Heck, music mogul Russell Simmons even Tweeted how he was “proud of Taylor Lautner for his bravery and his courage” after he saw the headline, later learning the whole thing was a hoax and adding:

“disappointed that people would joke about someone coming out about their sexuality. Let Taylor Lautner be whoever he wants to be…”

No word yet from Taylor’s camp, though the magazine has come out and said the issue is “fake.” So you may go ahead and continue to scream and dream over the actor, female members of Team Jacob. There remains the slimmest chance he might someday be yours.

The Hollywood Gossip

The Weekly Argus Says:

I have a theory on this.

I think this is just something Taylor Lautner wanted to do a test run with in order to gauge people’s reactions so he could decide if it was worth coming out or not.

It’s kind of like when you’re hanging out with your friend and you casually say something like, “Hey, I’m  kind of bored. I could go get that brick of coke out of my car if you want” as you chuckle like you’re just kidding around. That way if your friend is offended you can play it off like you were just kidding, but if he’s interested, you’ve just opened up the door to a very fun evening, because if you’re anything like me, you carry a brick of coke in the back of your car “just in case.”

I call this the “Cocaine Theory,” but that may not be the best name. It’s a work in progress.

Why Are People So Obsessed With Other People

If this this is you, please seek help.

Hi, friends! It’s good to be back.

Between shopping for gifts, dog sitting for my friend and his girlfriend, and feeling like death, I’ve been quite the busy guy lately.

But that is in the past and I’m here again with some delightfully opinionated opinions that may or may not be right based on your opinion of my opinions.

Over the weekend I had a chance to relax with my family, and when I relax with my family, there is always one of two things on TV: sports or news. I’m almost certain that my family would be perfectly  happy if the only channels they got were ESPN and FOX News. I’m pretty sure those were the only two stations I saw, but that’s okay. I’m not complaining about that. I’m simply pointing out something so I can elaborate on it in the form of a story/rant.

Of course, this weekend was not the first time I have ever seen a sporting event on TV. To tell you the truth, I’ve played just about ever sport at one time or another during my life, and I’ve played basketball since I was four years old. I played all throughout high school and planned on playing in college until I realized that it didn’t make sense for someone as lazy as I am to continue to put so much effort into something. So I stopped playing and started coaching at a high school a couple years later.

Why am I telling you this, though? It’s not funny, and usually people come here for the humor, not the anecdotes (though I rarely find what I say to be funny, and I feel I am an extremely underrated story teller).

Well, my friend, I am telling you this so I can lay down some credibility for myself. I want it to be clear that I am writing this as someone who has played sports his entire life, not as someone who thought sports were meaningless and trivial and didn’t matter in life’s big picture.

As someone who has played sports his entire life, I can honestly say that I enjoy playing them, but I don’t understand people’s infatuation with other people playing them.

I mean, when I’d watch ESPN during the NBA lockout, fans were almost literally freaking out that there was the possibility of having no NBA games for a year. Why? If these people really like basketball so much and if they really feel like their lives are a meaningless void without it, they’re perfectly capable of going down to their local YMCA or neighborhood playground and playing pickup games with their friends.

The same can be said about baseball and football and any other sport, really.

I saw a special on ESPN the other night (unlike my family, I actually do watch things other than ESPN, but this rant isn’t helping me prove that) and there was a special on about Steve Bartman. If you’re reading this blog, there’s a good chance you don’t know who Steve Bartman is, so let me give as brief of an explanation as I can:

Steve Bartman is a Chicago Cubs fan. The Chicago Cubs are a baseball team. The Cubs haven’t won the World Series since 1908. In 2003, the Chicago Cubs were playing the Florida Marlins (who happen to be my favorite team) in a best of 7 series. The winner of the series was going to go to the World Series.

Baseball is a game that lasts 9 innings, and the game was in the 8th inning. The Cubs were leading 3-0. A Marlin player hit the ball down the third base foul line into the stands, but close enough to the field where the fielder could still catch it. Unfortunately for the Cubs, though, Steve Bartman reached out his arm and deflected the ball away from the Cubs fielder who was about to catch it. The Marlins went on to score 8 runs in the inning. They won the game and they won game 7 the next day to go to the World Series (which they also won).

This is Steve Bartman deflecting the ball

Most people would assume that Steve Bartman would be forgotten about. After all, he wasn’t one of the Cub’s pitchers who couldn’t seem to throw the ball anywhere but right down the middle of the plate. He wasn’t the short stop for the Cub’s who dropped what would have been a routine double play. And Steve Bartman wasn’t on the team the next game the Cubs lost to the Marlins, so it can safely be assumed that he had pretty much nothing to do with the Cubs losing the series.

However, that’s not how people treated him. After he deflected the ball away from Moises Alou, the Cubs outfielder, the entire stadium began chanting “asshole, asshole, asshole” at him, they threw food and beer on him, and they threatened to kill him. Steve Bartman may as well be in witness protection because nobody has heard or seen him since that incident.

This brings me back to my original question: Why do people care so much about other people playing sports? Do they feel like they’re living vicariously through these professional athletes? I’m very curious to know what drives people to such ridiculousness when cheering on their favorite team. I  just don’t get it. The only people who do more drugs than athletes are musicians and Charlie Sheen, a typical NBA locker room has more firearms than the upper Midwest, and 99.99999% if professional athletes wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire, so it’s not like these are quality people who you’d want your kids to act like. Honestly, in most cases, if they did anything but play a sport the same people who cheer for them would demand they be put in jail.

Honestly, I think it’s kind of pathetic. There’s a big difference between cheering for a team and being a fanatic. For instance, when you cheer for a team and they lose, you go on with your day like nothing happened. If you feel your life is altered (positively or negatively, it doesn’t matter) by the result of your team’s game, you’re a fanatic. If you cheer for a team and you happen to see they’re on TV while you’re flipping channels, you may stop to watch for a few minutes. If you’re a fanatic, you schedule your life based on when your team plays so you can support them from your couch because without your presence six feet from the TV screen, your team may not be as motivated to play hard. The $45 million they’re getting pales in comparison to the motivation you and your Cheetoh stained T-shirt can deliver.

In other words, being a fanatic is like being a high schooler: it’s only acceptable if you’re in high school. So if you’re a fanatic, there’s a good chance you need help. I’ll be more than happy to give a complimentary back rub, but I’m afraid you need real help. Not even my world-renowned back rubs can cure this problem.

This is the kind of "support" I can really get behind